What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 18.06.2025 01:08
I said to her
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
One cannot live in the past .
This is soul school!.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
She loved him until the end.
Why does a narcissist act like it's nothing when they hurt you?
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Im dying but, im not bitter.
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Ive learnt so much.
I was seconnd youngest,
My life is so biszare .
She was in good health!
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
What are some common examples of human hypocrisy?
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
But, we were locked up after school.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Can ringing in the ears be a sign of spiritual awakening?
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
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And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
She wouldn,t have been !
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
If Trump were to lose in 2024, would that be the end of his grip on the Republican Party?
I know ,a lot about trauma.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
Is it possible to revive a dead person in real life with black magic?
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Why did i forgive my father ?
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
Im still living with it.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
My family never makes their pension either.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
I was very sick at this time too.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
We were not on the streets..
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Who then, do I blame.?
I did it because my mum asked me too!
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
I waited trembling.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
He resisted the act ,that day.
I will be 64.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Especially a lifetime of it.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
(And it was in our own minds.)
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
We all went to grammer schools
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
I have no regrets .
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
What did i know ?
So whats the point in blame.
I was scared of men, in general
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
But ive been too sick for many years..
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
She found it foreign!.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
All the time i was locked up.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
I was 9 years of age.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
I don,t even have a pension.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
I could never make a relationship work though!
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
As i do to all so called friends.?
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
So, i spoilt her more .
When she asked me how she looked .
Comes on , in middle age.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
It was going to be , some day.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
I never cut or harmed myself..
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
He knew the spot.
I think the readers, may guess!
But it wasn’t much.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
Put me off passion for life!!
My mum and dad in the seventies!
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Would this be the day?
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
And i lived it daily.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
I couldn’t, believe it.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
Was to survive, this bastard.
I write beautiful poetry .
She married twice! .
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..